Yes, I do realize you’re watching a movie in a public place and you’re going to get all sorts of distractions and annoyances, but really isn’t that what the lights out means when the movie starts? It means shut up, chew softly and watch the damn movie so other’s can enjoy? If you want to do all this stuff, watch the movie at home. But it’s all about consideration and most people lack it.
And that’s why I watch movies at home on my flat screen or on my laptop.
Persistent popcorn munchers in theatres can be annoying, as is sitting next to Darth Vader. Even worse are those who devour three-course meals in the dark.
The Texting Twit: You may have just witnessed the most awesome sight ever on a movie screen, or suddenly realized you forgot to file your income tax, but save the texting for after the credits role. These bozos shine a beacon like an incoming jet in a dark theatre.
The Mealtime Muncher: Popcorn crunchers and nacho nibblers are bad enough — the noise, the smell! — but those who bring three-course meals need to be punished. A special poke in the eye to the guy who enthusiastically slurped Thai noodles through the first reel. You know who you are.
The Backseat Brat: What’s that rhythmic pounding in my kidneys? Why, it’s the little darling behind me who beats a tattoo on my seat back. Ba-boom, ba-boom. And just for variety, here comes The Thumper!
The Relentless Yakker: Please shut up, I’m begging you. I am sorry you find the movie too loud, the plot confusing or the director a moron. And you there, Ms. Coolio who saw the movie at TIFF or last week at the multiplex, please stop pointing out the coming “good parts” to your seatmates.
The Hat and the Haystack: Twin screen-blocking blockheads: wearers of baseball caps who refuse to doff them, and owners of Marge Simpson haystack hairdos, who often add hair picks for maximum annoyance.
The Aisle Obstructer: Clumsy and thoughtless, this is the cinema clodhopper who, while entering or exiting a row, stomps over people already seated — and also stands atop them while taking shouted snack orders.
The Seat Hogger: That ticket you bought is good for just one seat. You don’t get a second one for your coat, unless the theatre has abundant extras. And you can’t save an entire row as if defending the Alamo.
The Screen Shouter: Despite the current 3-D fad, we’re still 51 years away from the era of The Jetsons. No, you can’t yet interact with the actors on the screen. So why are you shouting at them?
The Credits Sprinter: Hey, we know you think credits are stupid and you have a babysitter with the meter running. But could you at least wait until the cast scrolls before diving over seated patrons?
The Petting Zoo: When people shout at petting and cooing lovebirds to “Get a room!” they aren’t referring to the multiplex. If you must make out while at the movies, restrict it to a far back corner of the theatre.