Happy Canada Day, everyone! How should we all celebrate? By trying to kick oot (ha!) all the Canadians that make life unbearable. There’s more of them you think, and here are the ones we wouldn’t mind sending home.
We’ve been blessed with a great number of wonderful things from our neighbor to the north, like Tim Horton’s, Catherine O’Hara, and—at least in my case—a magical night in a Montreal bathhouse. What we often forget are the totally annoying Canadians living right here in America under our very noses. Just look at the list of the worst offenders. They don’t even have the courtesy to have thick accents like Brits or Australians, and they grew up with mostly the same TV and movies as we did, so they blend in seamlessly! A bunch of them have already become American citizens, so now we’re not only stuck with them, they’re under the impression they’re as good as all of us who were born here.
Enough! Our country will be even better if we send the following Canucks back to their rightful home.
Justin Bieber: Not only is he annoying, but this kid has caused riots both here and abroad. He is a threat to homeland security. He should be put on some sort of no-fly list and exposure to him should be controlled like a radioactive substance. Put him in an abandoned mine in the Yukon or something. That’s what we’ll end up doing with the rest of our toxic waste anyway.
Avril Lavigne: Sure, her career is on the wane, but there can be no forgiveness for something titled “Sk8r Boi.” Do they even teach spelling in Canada? Oh, and if Brody Jenner tries to marry her to keep her in the country, he can get shipped out too. No big loss.
Pamela Anderson: This lady is so Canadian her birthday is on Canada Day. Thanks, Pam, but we seem to grow plenty of idiotic sluts who are famous for making sex tapes here in America.
Michael Cera: Seriously, a brain-dead monkey has more acting range than him. We think he’ll have a long and fruitful career doing regional theater somewhere in Saskatchewan.
Ryan Reynolds: Can he do anything other than smug sarcasm? He even uses it when playing super heroes. Then, in The Proposal, he played an American and he forced national treasure Sandra Bullock to play a Canadian. The nerve! Also, he is coated in the cooties of ex-girlfriend Alanis Morissette, who is a Canadian who at least does us the courtesy of living in Canada. Time to get the hell out, Ryan, but your delicious abs can stay.
Evangeline Lilly: Someone has to answer for the Lost finale, and sadly it’s her.
Mike Myers: After The Love Guru, we let you hang around a little while to do the voice of Shrek one last time. That movie is over. Go wander around Vancouver and terrorize people with your hockey stick there.
Keanu Reeves: We got Bill & Ted’s Excellent Adventure, My Own Private Idaho, Speed, and the first Matrix movie out of him. It’s shocking we got even that much good stuff out of this sad-sack hippie who can’t act. Like a pair of shoes you’ve worn twice, he’s slightly used, but still returnable.
Nia Vardalos: It’s bad enough that she hasn’t made anything worthwhile since My Big Fat Greek Wedding, but what’s even worse is that she hid her maple leaf roots under the blue and white flag of her ancestors. For shame!
Elisha Cuthbert: We hated you when you ruined 24 but getting caught in a mountain lion trap, but now you’re in a new sitcom called Happy Endings and it looks horrible too.
Steven Cojocaru: We only have enough room for one gay fashion minstrel in this country and right now Carson Kressley is unemployed, so you’re going to have to go.
Howie Mandel: It’s bad enough that we have to look at your bald head and listen to your shrill jokes, but the germophobia thing is just over the edge. Maybe one of those free Canadian doctors can take care of you.