Gone (edited)

I don’t know why people assume I got no feelings, just because I don’t cry often. It would be safe to say that over the years I’ve got some thick skin, as I’ve been through a lot. Or perhaps I just don’t show it in person.

The first time people have seen me cry was at my grandfather’s funeral. It’s not like I go crying all the time, I am not emotionally unstable.

There were a lot of people at my grandfather’s funeral. I remained in the car until it was time to carry the coffin. There is no funeral home thing in this religion so everything was outside. My grandfather was a big man so it took quite a few people to carry it. My brother organized it, because he just feels he has to, he thinks he’s Tony Soprano, he’s just as big. I should draft up my will in case I die before he does, and in it I will make sure my funeral is like the traditional and not this silly crap. A ceremony or service that is held inside and not outside like this was. It’s like hurry get rid of the body, c ya later, move on.

Hours before he died at the hospital and during his final moments, my grandfather looked at me with that pipe they had in his mouth to help him breathe. He knew it was time.  As I remember it, everything seemed like it was in slow motion. He knew his destiny. We all think the hospital could of saved him, that they gave him too much tranquilizers

It’s weird, the same position I stood in front of his bed at the hospital was the same at the grave.

My brother who wasn’t close to my grandfather, nor did he care about him, never called him and rarely if at all visited him until he was on his deathbed, prepared a speech and read it as we stood outside in the freezing cold, he stumbled on his words and I was freezing my ass off. A narcissistic freakish thing, he is. He’s full of shit, so is his wife. They’re made for each other, even though they’re not happy. They’re the people who are living the life to what other’s want to see and it’s like they got to prove something, for what? Living a lie.  For me, I’m not here to please anyone, and glad I live on my own terms. Anyway, it is a fact that I was the only grandson who actually cared about him and visited often.

Have I told you, it is in my opinion religion is plain stupid, senseless and meaningless in our time? Period. The religion, if its Jewish, is so inconsistent. It’s a pity that “treat people the way you want to be treated” isn’t practised. What’s even worse and sad on their part is that they believe people well go to hell if they don’t believe in the same thing they do. It’s like a cult or some stupid club. TO EACH THEIR OWN!

Anyway, as we carried the coffin and the rabbi was saying things, praying or whatever, we had to stop every few seconds. I thought my arm was gonna break off, the coffin was heavy. Carry coffin now, pray later, he’s already dead. Or perhaps it was a blessing.

As soon as the coffin was lowered into the grave, my emotions let go and tears flowed down. I walked away as they each shoveled the gravel into the grave, while everyone remained. I think it’s disrespectful to actually take a shovel and throw dirt over, disrespectful, so I refused.

When it ended, we drove back to my parents condo. And again, I disagree with this, people who didn’t even know him showed up and ate and then left. WTF?? I personally think think a funeral is a personal thing and should only be for close relatives. I’ve seen family who I’ve not seen in years. They’ve not seen me in many years, so I guess they were happy to see me, but in unfortunate circumstances. My mom’s cousin who I can’t stand and who no one likes showed up uninvited, she came up to the car and said HI to me, I gave her the cold shoulder, I’m like move right along.. When I was a kid she always told me I was fat and that I should lose weight. I remember that to this day and now look who’s fat and ugly. Karma, bitch, karma! You got to be a selfish, cold hearted stupid twat to tell a kid that they’re too fat. Ops, that means my father.

If someone is mean spirited, they’re a write off. And I just forget about them. I don’t forget much, except what I ate yesterday.

My grandmother is handling my grandfather’s death ok, she seems to be more clear headed and down to earth now, sadly my grandfather was a burden on her because he was immobile for many years. But, they’ve been married for 60 or so years. So many memories. Wow. She tells us that she feels his presence beside her. But for many years she always felt that she was in prison because she had to be at his side all the time, she took care of him for 10 years because he was obese and had to get around with his scooter. He loved, I mean loooooved food.

So, only within the last 2 years I’ve dealt with 2 deaths in the family, one wedding, and within a few months a birth of a child, when my sister delivers her 2nd child, a baby boy. Unfortunately, I wasn’t there when my niece was born. My brother is also expecting his 2nd child in a couple months. I won’t be there. It must be against his religion/cult to exclude family out of your life if they don’t belong to the same cult/religion.

In the coming months things will be changing, it’s gonna be something I know I will regret but I’m helping sister out in doing so, from living alone and into insanity. So because of this, I won’t be in Toronto.

I’m tired. Stressed.