U2, “Original of the Species” (2005, How to Dismantle an Atomic Bomb)
“I’ll give you everything you want/Except the thing that you want.”
Remember when Meatloaf said “I’ll do anything for love, but I won’t do that”? Well, Bono’s being an even bigger jerk. Look pal, if you won’t really give her everything she wants, stop lying and saying that you will.
Black Eyed Peas “Humps” (2005, Monkey Business)
“My hump/My hump/My hump/My hump/My lovely lady humps.”
Finally, a pop song written from the female camel’s perspective.
Hawthorne Heights, “Ohio is for Lovers” (2004, The Silence in Black and White)
“(And I can’t make it on my own)/Because my heart is in Ohio/So cut my wrists and black my eyes/Cut my wrists and black my eyes)/So I can fall asleep tonight, or die.”
Way to advocate suicide, you whiny little emo wimps. And for what? Because you miss… Ohio?! We can think of better reasons, like, your band name sucks.
Uncle Kraker “Follow Me” (2001, Double Wide)
“All you know is when I’m with you I make you free/And swim through your veins like a fish in the sea.”
If the best way you can describe your love for girl is by disgustingly comparing it to a fish swimming inside of her, you should probably change your name to Uncle Celibacy.
Toby Keith, “Courtesy of the Red, White, & Blue” (2002, Unleashed)
“And you’ll be sorry that you messed with/The U.S. of A./’Cause we’ll put a boot in your ass/It’s the American way.”
Making fun of Toby Keith lyrics is kinda like slapping a “kick me” on an invalid, so let’s just stick to his most obnoxious song, which perfectly showcases the ignorant, angry bully mentality that got the good ole U.S. of A in a heap of trouble.
Ricky Martin, “She Bangs” (2000, Sound Loaded)
“Cause she looks like a flower but she stings like a bee/Like every girl in history/She bangs, she bangs … No one ever looked so fine/She reminds me that a woman only got one thing on her mind.”
What Ricky is saying, is that every girl in history is beautiful but dangerous, and that all women have only one thing on their minds. Can’t wait to hear his concept album about why women are too sexy to vote.
Red Hot Chili Peppers, “Californication” (2000, Californication)
“First born unicorn/Hard core soft porn … Space may be the final frontier
/But it’s made in a Hollywood basement/Cobain can you hear the spheres
singing songs off Station to Station/And Alderon’s not far away.”
The Chilis frontman Anthony Keidis likes lyrics in the non-sequitur style of Bob Dylan’s “Subterranean Homesick Blues,” but when you’re combing unicorns, pornography, Star Trek references, Kurt Cobain, a Bowie album mention and the friggin’ Star Wars planet Alderon, it’s time to switch back to regular mushrooms.
Metallica, “Broken, Beat & Scarred” (2008, Death Magnetic)
“What don’t kill you, makes you more strong.”
Not to get all high school English teacher about it, but are you trying to say “What doesn’t kill you makes you stronger?” Points for trying to write a song in Caveman, but surely you coulda done more gooder.
Madonna, “American Life” (2003, American Life)
“I’m drinking a soy latte /I get a double shot/It goes right through my body/And you know/I’m satisfied/I drive my mini cooper/And I’m feeling super-dooper/Yo, they tell I’m a trooper/And you know I’m satisfied/I do yoga and pilates/And the room is full of hotties”
This rap breakdown from “American Life” proves that as a hip-hop artist, the former Material Girl makes a very good middle-aged mom.
Michael Jackson, “You Rock My World” (2001, Invincible)
“I cannot explain the things I feel for you … I’ve searched for the perfect love all my life (All my life)/Oh, oh, oh, oh, ooh, it feels like I (Like I)/Have finally found her perfect love is mine … Girl, I know that this is love/I felt the magic all in the air.”
If you tell a girl that you “cannot explain” the things that you feel for her, and then proceed to explain the things that you feel for her in few different ways, she might not take you seriously.
Eminem, “A** Like That” (2005, Encore)
“Hilary Duff is not quite old enough so/I ain’t never seen a butt like that/Maybe next year I’ll say ‘a**’ and she’ll make my pee-pee go/Doing,-doing-doing”
Granted, Slim Shadey isn’t know for his seriousness or maturity, but this one makes the soul go gross-gross-gross.
Coldplay, “Yellow” (2000, Parachutes)
“I drew a line,/I drew a line for you/Oh what a thing to do/And it was all yellow.”
As near as I can tell, Chris Martin is singing about peeing in the snow. Not even Canadians find that romantic, dude.
50 Cent, “Candy Shop” (2005, The Massacre)
“I’ll take you to the candy shop/I’ll let you lick the lollipop…I’m trying to explain baby the best way I can/I melt in your mouth girl, not in your hands (ha ha)”
Let’s get this straight, tough guy: you’re saying that your manhood is the size of a lollipop.
Bonus: “Isn’t it ironic how erotic it is to watch ’em in thongs”
Nope, thongs are intended to be erotic, so there’s nothing ironic about that at all. Did you learn nothing from Alanis?
John Mayer, “Your Body is a Wonderland” (2002, Room for Squares)
“And if you want love/We’ll make it/Swim in a deep sea/Of blankets”
At first this song seems to say, “Girl, I am going to treat you like my own personal porno-amusement park” – but on second thought, that line about a deep sea of blankets suggests that maybe all John Mayer really wants to do is build a fort on the bed.