Deconstruction Zone

Ya know, if I could understand why certain things are the way they are, I would be in a different place right now.

Like for example, why is it that when I go to my parents their dogs run up to me and are literally sitting on my head when I am on the couch. They run to me and are begging me for some lovin’. Okay, they’re those toy dogs. Don’t picture some Great Dane sitting on my head. And I’m the only one who they do this to. As if I am some lovin’ magnet. And they won’t leave me, they feel safe with me. It’s not like my parents neglect them or anything. Who knows.

So many questions, too much analyzing.

Another example, why is it that when I am with my 19 months old neice, when I take her to the store or in the car or just babysitting, she’s calm and quiet, or when I change her diaper she’s co-operative and doesn’t try to run away or get all antsy like how she does with her parents? And why when I teach her to say a few words she tries to say it but otherwise doesn’t with other people?

And why is it that I get along better with my siblings partners then they do?

I’ve noticed that I’ve changed a lot over the years, it happens, you know, you learn and grow, especially with all that I’ve been through, and perhaps now more than ever I wear my heart on my sleeve perhaps showing more of my true colors as compared to being pretentious. Perhaps I give off positive energy or calmness when around kids and animals. Who knows. Maybe I’m at peace with myself and I just don’t know it. Naw, I am not even close to peace with myself, I’m constantly at war with myself.

Understanding this and all is damn fun.

There should be a vaccine for stupidity.

My friend and I were texting each other, because that local phone call is damn expensive. I hate texting, it’s tedious, impersonal and stupid, what happened to that good ole phone?? And her and I were talking about vaccines etc. She told me that Hep vaccines are not free, and I explained yes they are for gay men. She didn’t believe me and said “Oh, I wouldn’t trust that, they might put some deadly virus in you”. I said, “Right, it’s a way for them to kill all the gays, by pretending it’s free Hep vaccines but really its a deadly cocktail, WIPE the gays off the earth!”, then I said “Are you for real? you’re talking bullshit right now, so I asked her “Why is is that all religious people, including most blacks don’t like gays?” She’s black. “So, tell me why?, ya know actually, let’s wipe away all that destruction, the destruction caused by the religion, and by doing that watch how the world will change for the better.”

The only time there will be peace is when religion is gone.

After that comment she said she’s going to bed, I said Yea, you need a good sleep…or two. And perhaps some action would benefit you.

I don’t get all this hate.  Gay or not, just live your fuckin life and everything will be alright. So much time is spent on hate. People are too consumed with hating each other. Making other people’s lives more difficult. Their life must be going so boring, do dull, so sad that they get their jollies by making someone else miserable. Or at least they try.

Don’t piss in my corn flakes and I won’t piss in yours!

If I sound crazy, it’s cause I spent some time with the family this weekend.

Last Monday was my mother’s birthday and I agreed to be there knowing my brother was going to show up.  I’ve not spoken to him in months because I refuse to be around the twat. Anytime anyone is around him, there’s a lot of tension. He’s one of those who doesn’t know when to keep his mouth shut. He intimidates and disrespects. I refuse to be around people like that. Anyway, it’s very hard for me to not speak up when needed, and I thought of other people when I decided to keep my mouth closed when he spewed out crap. So I bit my tongue and pretended he wasn’t there for the most part.

I was bullied in school and at home for most of my childhood, so one thing my mother always taught me was to ignore and the evil would go away, which is not the most affective way of getting rid but ignoring does piss bullies off tho.  Okay, I just sounded 15 years old.

Goodnight All.