Definitely, Maybe

You know, sometimes I’ve always wondered if life would be different in a new place, like in a new city, new town. That if everything else fails to start fresh somewhere else, or does it follow us wherever we go? It can only be answered by doing it. In a place I’m familiar with, brings comfort. It’s considered home. Perhaps its time to step outside my comfort zone.

I don’t type my sad stories to seek any type of sympathy. I can tell you it’s all grand and perfect, that I am extremely happy, in love, live in a big house with 10 dogs, colorful blooming garden, BMW’s in the driveway, a couple kids, a maid, that I’m super successful and life is splendid, but it would be a lie and something out of a fairy tale.

I wish I have the answers to a lot of things, but I don’t and life is about exploring and perhaps find the answers on the journey. I wish I can tell you why life is full of surprises, with the twists and turns, the ups and downs, the bad and good. Why I am not using my fullest potential, even though I pound my head against the wall always reminding myself what I need to do but I don’t.  Why I feel like I’m sinking, and I’m being pulled, as if I am drowning and needing a SOS.

But there a lot of us who get the joys of reading people who fail or are depressed because it makes them feel better, that they are not the only one’s. That’s why tabloid magazines earn millions, its for those who have no life and like to read gossip. And I’m not one of those. I prefer reading people who succeed, because it inspires. When most join in on "ganging up" on the weak, I prefer to stand out and do the opposite and help out. Perhaps, its because it happened to me all through childhood. Not all of us can stand up for ourselves for whatever reason and when someone comes along to give a helping hand and make a difference, its very rewarding and healing.

I remember a time when I was in my 20’s and the word ‘loner’ or ‘lonely’ was meant for losers. I hate that word loser. Maybe I am one for not trying. No matter if you win or lose if one tries and fails, you still have won, because you tried.  When I didn’t get a job after an interview, it never once depressed me or made me feel less than because I knew that because I tried, it made me work harder and better on the next interview.

There are so many things I want to change in my life. And I’ve got no clue how or where to start. All I know is that I’m looking in all the wrong places. If I practised what I preached I would be more ahead than where I am. For example, finding our prince charming, I know for a fact you can’t find love on the internet, it’s a given fact for most, or the notion that if I go out there and try my damn hardest I’ll find the dream mate. It simply not going to happen. Forget the saying "you can’t just sit there and wait for it to come to you". That applies to everything else in life but love. Love comes to you when you at least expect it, its not something you go searching for. How do I know this? Because I’ve done it!!! And I continue doing it because I love going in circles and perhaps and because I’m insane, the saying goes "insanity is doing something over and over again and expecting a different result", I’m an example, poster child for that quote. For example, placing ads on those useless so called meat market sites and hoping to meet someone half decent and one who doesn’t want you just for for a night, sorta like what prostitutes do. And excuse my ignorance, but why is that the one’s who say they want more than a quickie are homely looking?  And even if they’re not, they lie to manipulate with their pictures from 10 years ago and fake everything. And I don’t get the pictures of body parts, like if you’re shopping at the butcher shop. "I’ll take the torso and hole please".

You can sit there and read this and say, "Man, this guy has got some serious issues".  But you’d get no argument with that.

Most men are sex pigs and as long as they stick their penis somewhere, they’re happy and once they get bored, they cheat and move onto the next. Not all men, of course. My grandparents have been married for what? 60 years already. My parents, 30 or so years. And me? I am a lost we got that figured out a long time ago…excuse me as I punch myself out.

There you have it, I am insane. Time to UNinsane myself, if that is even a word.

Sometimes we meet people and they are the one, and we just don’t even know it or we dismiss it. Perhaps, it’s because time is telling us we’re not ready, and that the person may come back into our life when time is ready, subconsciously. And it’s happened to a lot of people….just not me. I scare them away. I am one of those fools that lays out all the negatives right before they even get to know me. "Hi, I’m Joey, and I am possessive slightly, jealous(only when I feel competition), picky, complainer, mood swings (only on some days), needy a bit, fear of abandonment (don’t leave me waiting in the car, I’ll think you’ll never come and who knows what other crap. (Some in this list is a bit over exagaratted).

Then you have those who meet, that at first are our dream mate, but only later to find out that they’re not exactly what we thought when the true colors come out. See, I’m honest that way, my true colors shine first. I tell people everything  and I need to stop. I’ve learned it’s better to be a bit mystical than an open book. And only tell, when asked or if necessary. I’m referring to the faults we all have. Unless you’re some murderer who was just released from prison (only in Canada). That’s totally different, you don’t want to keep that secret, you have to be upfront with that type of info, and not wait til deep in the relationship "oh by the way,  there’s something I need to tell you, I murdered someone and I’ve just done 5 years in jail." (only in Canada)

Going back to meeting people in different situations. I’ve done a Second City course and an acting workshop last summer and didn’t make any connecton. I’ve only met friends at place of employment. And Torontorians and most Canadians in general are reserved people, it’s like taking a hammer and cracking a hard shell to get them to loosen up a bit, that or get them drunk. An internet chatroom, the only dialogue you’ll see is who comes and goes in the chat…

"Mute has Entered"

"Mute has Left"

"Wallflower has Entered"

"Wallflower has Left"


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