Drowned Soul


One of the many problems that race in head and that still remains since it has been taught early in my life,  success is measured on how much money one has.

An  ongoing battle, as it ebbs and flows.. brainwashed more than anything as it seems,  I have to accept the realization that money is just a commodity and not a definition of success. I still have difficulty with that realization, but how can I not that because for the longest time and as far sunk it is in my preconditioned brain, I cope with coping.

One of the tons of things I had to be taught in my adolescent is that true success involves having goals other than making money, having money, spending money. Recognizing the fact that money only satisfies the lowest ends of the life hierarchy, it only provides security and safety against some things. It cannot buy safety from life itself. All I was taught was that being a money making machine was the most important thing in life, but  in reality life is about being much more than that, even though I may not yet know all that I want.

Life is about learning, growing, and changing and that one of my biggest challenges will be the quest from materialistic CRAP. The only way i can do this is by believing that I already have everything I need in order to be balanced, whole and content. Sadly, I am miles away from that destination. The things that will make a difference to me are not things I can buy. I have to accept that all this is my weak ago is causing me to want more and more- to  impress others, to match societies definitation of success or to achieve instant happiness.

My weak ego is a bad guide, that I have followed, caught on a never ending treadmill of wanting, getting, and wanting more. This next sentence is something that I work hard to believe, I need to know that I am worth much more than anything that can be purchased. My soul cannot be bought, my Self cannot be sold, and my worth and esteem is priceless. If something is worth having, it is not something that is easily obtained. (I always play hard to get..lol). Ya know, I gotta accept that the real meaning of my life is not found in exchange process but rather in a change process. And that sentence alone speaks in volumes.

Money = Happiness its all that matters and is important.

Hating my job didn’t matter and what mattered was I was making money to pay the bills. This is not life. Life is not about paying bills and living with the enemy, have I introduced you to misery? If I’m not happy, balanced, practising self-esteem, peaceful, and satisfied right now what makes me think that having lots of money will change me? Solve my problems? Give me what I really need?  All I am doing is responding to an illusion and the need for money that I’ve been trained to believe; I need to let go of both.

But the training is pervasive, the myth is powerful and the illusion is a compelling one; letting go will be difficult. But yet there is no other way to free myself of a very dangerous and destructive concept. The quest for wealth is a very dangerous one because it takes me away from the truly important quest, my own search for my Self, my worth, my meaning. It is destructive because the love of  money is a false love – I lost everything that is good and loving about myself by choosing the path of greed avarice.

Working on believing that I am much more than a commodity – why sell my soul for something that is ultimately worthless?



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