Not for the weak at heart…Reader Discretion is Advised

Spring has finally arrived!  And oh no, the weather is warming up to 20C this week. And I am not ready to uncover, I’ve got my love handles. Quick I need to purge? They should of at least give me some advance notice about this stuff. The weather is so unpredictable here. I now need to search for my thong to wear as I shop for groceries. Now, that’s a good way to evacuate the place.

Now that spring has sprung, so will other things. Walk on the sidewalk and you’ll see the male pigeons chasing the females desperate to poke their feathers because what happens during this time of year? Everyone is in heat! Unless you have menopause. Animals, birds, insects and people, every living thing. Men walk around with their sweaty balls swinging left and right ready sperminate. Show the booty tooty and you got some pooky.

I’m not a sunbathing type, though we all could look better with some color, at the end I don’t like the burnt almond, leather looking tight skin look, something about it that turns me off. So I stay out of the sun. But the sun is a natural mood lifter though, as long as I am not frying in it, I love it.

But it’s true though, face it. When it gets warm out, we all become horny motherfuckers. We’re hot and sweaty, and what happens when we feel hot and sweaty? We want to bang the boy..we not me..but I know I am sure many know what I talking about. Remember the 1970’s Disco song ‘Push Push in the Bush’? Yea. A lot of conceiving going on during the summer months.

I need a fregin vacation, so much has happened these past few months, my mind needs an escape. How do I deal with stress without substances or alcohol? Hmmm, masturbation? NO. I don’t do that! U nuts? I am not human.

So, do you think Mariah Carey would get away with doing a song called ‘Touch my Body’ if she looked like Rosie O’Donnell? Of course not. Only few would could get away with that. Her secret to a slim body as she mentioned on Oprah and that we all can achieve? 4 personal chefs, a couple trainers and doing twists with a broom stick. Easy right? It’s like watching that show ‘CityLine’ on Home Improvement Day where they give ideas on how to change your living space into some million dollar makeover. I’m sorry, but How many Average Joe Blows have all that money laying around to make our homes look like Bukingham Palace?  The Queen. And I’m not referring to the gay interior designers who are on the show who did the home makeover.

Meanwhile the show can’t afford to give the audience free shower heads."One lucky audience member takes home this fancy pancy $150 shower head. Someone tell me why one needs a $150 showerhead?  Silly Sissies! Wake Up! Not everyone lives on Bridle Path!! (a neighbourhood in Toronto that is known for it’s mansion). Millionaires don’t watch CITYLINE!! DUMBTWATS!

Believe me, I stress myself out complaining about everything. Bitch and complain.

I need a Life Make-Over!! That’s an idea. A show on giving people a life make-over.

OMG! What an amazing concept for a reality show!!! I’m taking that idea to the bank…


Tootles McNoodles.


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